Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Hell 'aint a bad place to be.

What do you do when the past comes back and bites you in the arse?
Things you had tucked away or were thought lost come back and you have no one you can talk to, who will understand. You have to sit back and let it roll over you, absorb the impact then take a step back and evaluate what has happened. Tonight a load of lost memories returned for me, not forgotten things, but memories that I thought were lost forever after an accident. These memories have unleashed a flood of emotions I am having trouble dealing with, memories that have not seen the light of day for over 20 years, memories that I thought were lost, things I never expected to remember are now banging away in the front of my brain. Not all are real, and thereby hangs a tale, some are memories are confused with other forgotten memories, to the point I no longer am sure which are real and which are either imagined or composite, by that I mean mixed up memories that may be a combination of past events.

Trying to sort them out on my own is a nightmare, really odd moments are popping into my head, moments of love, moments of violence, moments of hate, moments of guilt. It will take time to sort out all this new information that has invaded my head, it will take time to heal the feelings that now plague me. But do I want to heal? Do I want to lose them again? They were all part of an earlier episode of life, a life so long ago that even people with good memories would baulk at recalling them, yet right now to me they are fresh, some feel like they only happened yesterday, this is what is causing my confusion.

At the moment my head hurts with all this new info, I am glad its back, loads of new memories have suddenly filled in some big gaps in my life, the past is the past, I cant go back so I will not regret anything, I will use this info to look forward.

Once I have sorted it all out and come to terms with it.


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